Cave of Secret Excretions
by Maeve Forest Sage
Summary: It's an ancient cavern...What will our heroes find? Chapter 4 is UP!
1. A Runny Situation

Cave of strange excretions

A/N: This fic was and still iswritten by my friend (Spirit of the Sea Serpent) and me. It is quite nonsensical. Please read and review so we can decide whether to continue this fic.

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Disclaimer: We (Shimmering Sprite and Spirit of the Sea Serpent) do NOT own Final Fantasy, however we do own any unknown characters that happen to pop up, an this cave and a few other things...

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Under the sea... yes, under the sea, an ancient cavern lay. It had rested for years on end, undisturbed. Until a group consisting of mismatched people decided to venture a look.

Anyway, so, when a lone swordsman, with one hell of a big ass sword, a busty brunette, a hyperactive ninja, who also happens to be Wutai's princess, a gunman with demons in his head, a chain-smoking, swearing pilot, a fire-lion, a tall man with a gun for an arm, and a cat riding a Mog, arrive in this cave, well it's gonna get interesting.

Cloud (the lone swordsman with one hell of a big ass sword) turned around to address his fellow teammates of AVALANCHE.

"We shall rest here tonight and continue in the morning." he announced before turning around.

"If we can tell when it's morning," the hyperactive ninja, princess Yuffie grumbled after casting a rueful glance around her at the rocky wall.

"Yuffie!" Tifa said sharply as Yuffie muttered under her breath.

"If whats-his-name's down here, I'm outta here!" she said.

"You mean Sephiroth" The gunman-Vincent- asked.

"Eh, I s'pose," she replied. She looked down with a blush on her face. 'He spoke to me,' she thought gleefully. Her feelings showed on her face and Vincent noticed. 'Why is he looking at me like that' Yuffie thought, as she notice Vincent's crimson eyes looking own at her. 'Oh crap!' she thought, turning around quickly, in order to hide the blush.

On the other side, which Yuffie was now facing, was Cid the chain smoking, swearing pilot and his main companion Barret, who had a gun arm and also swore a lot. Cid noticed Yuffie looking at him and a slight blush crept across his features. 'Brat,' he thought. 'How can she look at me when I always call her names and such?' Such depressing thoughts. 'Anyway, I love Shera and always will. Hmmph.'

'What the hell' "Hey old man! Stop blushing, you look like Red's fur!" Yuffie called, as she ducked behind Tifa as Cid glared at her.

"Shut up brat," he growled, not wanting to alert anyone else. Of course, Cid, being the man he is is naturally loud and therefore everyone heard him. He was going to say more but Cloud spoke up before anyone else could speak.

"Was Tifa the only one that heard me? Get over here so we can set up camp!" he turned back to unpacking his items. "Idiots," he muttered under his breath but not really meaning it.

"Bite me " she retorted with a grin as she stood back out of Cid's range, with his Venus Gospel, which he ha threatened her several times.

"Watch out Yuffie!" Vincent, Tifa and Red all called out in unison but they were too late as Yuffie took one more step then fell... into monster poop.

"Oh grossness!" Yuffie yelped as she leapt back, and landed on her rear, hard. "Shut up Cid" she said, directing a poisonous glare at Cid, who was laughing extremely hard.

Cait Sith was also beside himself with laughter. In fact, everyone was, except Vincent and Yuffie of course. All of AVALANCHE were doubled over save two, then everyone laughing bent over way too hard and landed on their rears... in puddles of poop. Vinnie however was not laughing (as I said before) and instead a big blob of runny poop landed on his head from the middle of nowhere.

'Just bloody great!" Yuffie thought, her cheeks burning with shame. 'Damn, Leviathan must hate me or something'

Cid was standing up before, but he had toppled over once again because of the situation at hand. He was laughing his guts out and trying to communicate something to his team mates between gales of laughter. (kinda like me in a laughing fit and trying to say what's funny) "the... ere's...a...great...b...big...ru...run...ny...s&i# o...on... his head!" after saying so he burst into fresh fits of laughter.

"Serves ya right old man!" Yuffie said as she clutched her stomach, which was quite sore from her laughing.

"I would appreciate it if you would be so kindas to get me a towel so i may wipe this... stuff off my face," came the familiar monotone. Everyone laughed harder at his newfound discomfort. Except Yuffie, who obliged and purchased a leaf from a little furry animal. Yes, a little furry animal.

"Here ya go Vinnie!" Yuffie chirped as Tifa walked over to her and giggled when she saw Vincent. He carefully wiped the offending substance off.

Yuffie, biting her lip to stop herself from laughing, found herself being led away by Tifa and after a few whispered words from Tifa both she and Yuffie burst into fits of laughter. Vincent had heard Tifa and what she had said and he had heard the two girls burst into laughter, so, when he finished wiping, he turned around and glared at the offending females with one of his famous "death glares"

"Umm whoops" Yuffie muttered as she quickly averted her eyes.

"Yea, I was simply err... Um..." Tifa stuttered as she followed Yuffie's lead and averted her eyes from Vincent. Vincent dismissed it with a wave of his hand then turned back to where Cloud was setting up. 'Is it me or is Vinnie acting different' Yuffie thought, then voice her thoughts to Tifa who nodded slightly.

"Maybe there was something in the poo that landed on his head..." she paused briefly in contemplative silence then her eyes widened to the size of plates then squeaked, "I hope it doesn't affect _us_!"

"Teef, calm down!" Yuffie said, her own eyes widening as she let out a strangled yelp and hid her face. "Thanks a bunch Teef" she added, her voice muffled from behind her hands.

Tifa looked down at the younger woman's troubled posture. "Don't worry Yuffs, if something is wrong with Vincent then maybe he'll ask you out."

"TIFA!" Yuffie half screamed and half whispered as she glared at the older woman. "But you could be right, or have you forgotten his hearing!" she asked, her face going red once more as she hi her face once more.

The busty woman giggled. "Come on, Yuffs. Let's go set up."


	2. What The

Cave of Strange Excretions

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Author's note: We are really sorry, it isn't as long as we anticipated but we are going to post another chapter up today hopefully.

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"TIFA!" Yuffie screamed, drawing the attention of Vincent, Cid and Barett to look at her. "What?" 

"Yuffie," Vincent began, then seeing words were no use, got up and walked behind Yuffie. The young princess stiffened. Her mind told the rest of her body to move, but her body was unable to comply. 'Oh my gawd, what is he doing? What is he doing?' her mind screamed. Vincent leaned down so that his chin was touching her shoulder.

"You should relax..." he drawled. As if that wasn't enough. He straightened then stretched out his arms. The hand and metal claw on the ends tightened around her shoulder blades. Then moved in a circular motion, his thumbs rubbing against her bare skin that was showing. 'I could get use to this,' he thought.

Yuffie, her face now coated wit a faint blush, shut her eyes. 'Ok… he has changed. OH CRAP! Tifa, she must have been right. Wow.'

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The constant rubbing had felt really nice against her skin. She wanted more because of the sensation it left. 'Please… don't let it end,' her mind groaned. 

"Oww," Yuffie cried out weakly. "Stop… it," her words were punctuated by fits of giggles. She heard sounds; a throat being cleared, muffled laughter and… was that singing? When she chose this moment to open her eyes, she really wished she hadn't. She had to squint in order to be able to see her surroundings. The sound of running water and the birds' sweet lullaby fully awakened her senses. Her eyes shot open, her head turned left and right. 'Trees, flowers, river… wait, river?' "I slept in the RIVER?" Silence; except for the birds and the water gushing around her. "Oh God damnit!" Yuffie screamed as she looked around her in confusion.

"Ooh, your stomach is really, really squishy," a voice sang from behind a rock. "It has a valley, a humongous valley. It's deep as the deep blue... aah!" Cloud yelped as Yuffie boxed his ears. The rest of avalanche burst into renewed howls of laughter. But the question in Yuffie's mind was: 'where was Vincent?'

"That'll teach ya Spike" Yuffie said, as se danced out of is reach, hiding behind Tifa once more. "Hey Teef, you were right" she whispered and both Yuffie and Tifa began to giggle.

"Did I miss something?" Cloud asked.

Tifa whispered something in the younger woman's ear.

"WHAT?" came Yuffie's loud exclamation. "h... he... poked me? In the stomach?" Tifa giggled and nodded. "I'm gonna kill you Spike!" Yuffie: yelped as she rounded on him, her eyes blazing with slight laughter, as she glared.

"I would get the F(& outta her way" Cid commented to Barett. Unfortunately, Yuffie had heard.

"Shut it old man!"

It was then that Vincent chose to make his dramatic appearance, by coming out of the grove of trees, cape swirling behind him. He glared distastefully at the others.

"Have any of you noticed that we are no longer in a cave?"

"What" Yuffie asked, before cursing loudly "Holy shit! How the…" she stuttered, in complete shock, her eyes wide as she looked around. Her gaze came to rest on Vincent "Where the hell did you go off to?" she asked him.


	3. Sweet Fantasy

Authors' note:

Sotss: ok, first of all, we were quite busy with several things. Most of the comedy came from Lote (Light of the Earth)

Lote: well, Sotss (Spirit of the Sea Serpent) did quite a bit of it too. We stayed up late doing this and I hope it doesn't sound too crazy, although it probably does.

Sotss: umm... well, we were hoping for it to be a comady

Lote: mm, yes. But anyway, on with the story. Enjoy!

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Disclaimer: How many times, do we haveta tell ya? We flippin' well DON"T own Final Fantasy! 

Signed SOTSS

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"I was… walking," Vincent explained. 

"Walking? Well, maybe you would be kind enough to tell us where the hell we are!" Yuffie said.

"Shut the F$ up brat!" Cid yelled, causing Yuffie to glare at him, and to bite her lip.

"Sorry," she mumbled and blushed. " I'll... I'll just be in here."

One of Vincent's eyebrows rose as he looked at the small Shinobi.

"Vincent, tell us what you found" Cloud said, after a concerned glance at Yuffie. At first, he thought the gunslinger wasn't going to say anything.

But Vincent knew he should tell them. They were going to find out anyway.

"Nothing."

"Nothin', well that's helpful" Yuffie muttered. She gasped and slapped a hand over her mouth. 'What if they heard that? What will they think?' Turning around, she saw all the members of Avalanche poking their heads into the tent she was in, staring at her in a weird way and all clasping hands. "What?" the Shinobi asked as she attempted to avoid Avalanche's gaze. 'Oh crap,' she thought and muttered several profanities.

'Must thank Cid for those. Oh no. I must be going crazy,'she thoughtwhen she heard the Final Fantasy IV over world theme by Enya playing. In came, Cid, Cloud and Barret, dressed as cherubs. They pranced around Yuffie, ribbons attached to what little garments they had on fluttered all over the place like a shimmering sea dancing in the air. All three men started singing an offbeat song that Cid had obviously come up with. 'What the hell' se thought as her shoulders so from her hidden laughter, her eyes dancing with mirth. 'Oh dear gods! Please tell me this is a dream!' she thought as she shut her eyes, and winced as they sang…

You're so f$(& beautiful.

I would never ever let you go.

I would f$(& you till the day I die.

I'm a sinner, f$(& I would not lie.

Yuffie cringed inwardly from the lyrics. 'What the hell are they on…' Different music interrupted the other. It had a soothing melody and consistently tried to lull her to sleep. Then came a beautiful sound of a piano or a harp perhaps, a sweet up-the-scale tune. 'Holy Leviathan! I think Cid as finally gone crazy,' she thought as she hid her burning face, from the song. 'Damn assholes' she added as an afterthought.

The music hit a note higher than all the others that had been. It softened down gradually, each time the tempo getting faster. When it hit what was apparently the lowest note, leathery wings she had not noticed before were unsheathed at the entrance to the tent. Yuffie's mind was in a whirl, she couldn't think straight. All her thoughts were set on what was behind the makeshift curtain.

Procession music interrupted the harp music and a foot stepped out, and another. A man stood before her, clad only in a red cloak, the top of it concealed most of his face. His hands, one human the other gold, came up to meet the buckles of his cloak. 'One buckle, two buckle, three buckle, four,' Yuffie's mind chanted. 'five buckle, six buckle, se… oh, that's all,' her face looked downcast when she realized the buckles were all undone. But she immediately brightened up when she remembered that it was a good thing, now she could see the man behind the elusive object.

However, the man in question was already slowly advancing in her direction. Her eyes widened when she saw the face. "Vinnie?" she questioned. 'Of course, I should have known. What, with the cape and the claw. Sweet Leviathan' she thought, with a soft sigh she nodded to herself. "Wat the hell is going on!" she yelped, as she scrambled to the back of the tent, just in case.

Unfortunately, the next thing she knew was the front of a masculine body. The arms belonging to the body encircled her own lithe body. They were strong and they pulled her closer. Warmth radiated from the man's chest and she truly felt like she was in heaven. 'Wait, I can't be thinking these thoughts.' So, with a flick of her wrist she intended to have the man sprawled on the floor. But it didn't go according to plan. First of all, he was taller and much more stronger, secondly, the man had already let go.

'Damn,' she thought as her attempt to get away from Vincent failed, instead she had ended up falling face first; her eyes clenched shut, and didn't hit the ground. 'What the' she thought, and a grin slowly spread across her face as she felt the arms, an organic and an artificial, gently holding her around the waist.

A deep chuckle resonated from within her captor's throat. The sound made her heart melt.

"You can't get away from me that easy," he said in a mocking tone. Yuffie's eyes widened twice the size they were before, as she slowly comprehended the meaning behind his playful words. Then it dawned on her.

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Sunlight hit her face, awakening her from the strange dream. But if she recalled any of it, she certainly didn't show it. 


	4. In Love

Cave of strange excretions

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In _love?_

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Sotss: Once more, most of the comedy was done by Lote, and we are currently debating over what to put next lol!

Lote: Once more I will say it sounds weird. I might add that Vincent is a little OOC, so beware. But then again, we can always put it down to the poo, right?

Sotss; True, we can, but anyway, please R and R!

Lote: yes, I must also add that we do not own final fantasy 7.

Sotss; but one or both of us would like it for our birthdays!

Lote: psshaw, as if someone would give it. ANYWAY…

Sotss; we can hope, and dream can't we?

Lote: yes, but I was going to say: "let's begin the story!"

Sotss: yea! On with the story!

Lote: Finally!

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In a corner of the Inn, were two women. One was a sexy brunette; the other was a petite girl with black hair.

They were giggling, Yuffie was whispering in Tifa's ear and both burst out laughing.

"So, you're telling me that Cloud was dressed as an angel?" Tifa laughed loudly. She caught Yuffie staring at her and blushed. This was not a good day.

"Yes," Yuffie said suspiciously. "You like Spike don't you?" "No," Tifa replied indignantly. "Oh, yes you do," Yuffie giggled childishly.

"I do not!" Tifa said, her cheeks a slightly red colour as she avoided Yuffie's gaze.

"Uh-huh, sure Teef" Yuffie said, still slightly freaked out from her dream.

She giggled one last time before she stepped out of the shadow the corner offered. "Shit," she swore, and then turned around to face Tifa again. "I think Vinnie heard," she said, pointing behind her.

Vincent's red cloak flew around Yuffie like a picture frame. A loose corner fluttered against her cheek and she reddened slightly.

"Y'know Yuff, I think you're right" Tifa said as Yuffie, hid her eyes behind her hands.

"Oops, well... uh...um... please don't tell anyone Vince," Yuffie pleaded, still keeping her head in her hands.

"I will if you don't look me in the eye," he said. This was so unlike the Vincent Yuffie knew that she screamed and ran.

"Now _that_, is something you don't see everyday," Cloud commented with a touch of awe.

"What the f& did you do to her? Not that I mind but f(&, you musta done something very "ebil, ebil vampire" like to scare her off." Cid's eyes widened after he said this, as if an idea was dawning on him. "Vincent, you didn't..."

"He didn't what?" Barrett asked. "What the f& did the vamp do?" he repeated when he received no answer. "Well?" Vincent, had one of his eyebrows raised as he sent Cid and Barret, one of his 'Death glares' that made them both turn around and mutter to each other.

Now Yuffie, could be found, hidden behind one of the many rock formations, her face a bright red as she cautiously looked out and whimpered slightly, when Vincent faced towards her, but didn't see her.

"What the f&$? He ADVANCED on her?" Barrett's voice was filled with incredulity. "Wow..." he said. "Wow..."

Cloud, who had also been listening in spoke up, "so you're saying that our dark and morbid gunslinger tried to... _hit_ on Yuffie?" He doubled over in fits of laughter. Red XIII just stared at Vincent, as if making some sort of analysis.

"Whoa, you have got to be joking!" Barrett had apparently overcome his shock and had gained the courage to speak. "He's prob'ly still in love with that Lucrecia chick. As if he'd go for the brat," apparently saying these words had convinced the man with the gun arm that there was no chemistry between the vampire and the brat. 'Nah, too mismatched.' he thought.

"No FU$&$ way! The Vamp, in love with the brat?" Cid spluttered, in shock as he looked at his gun-armed companion. "Holy," he started to say, but was silenced by Tifa's fist connecting with his head. "Damnit Tifa! What the hell was that for?" he yelped. Tifa merely grinned.

"Barett, we know that he made a move on her but in _love_ with her?" Cloud really didn't want to think further. "She wouldn't return his affections though, would she?" he whispered so Yuffie and Vincent wouldn't hear.

But Vincent's knowing ears easily picked up his voice. 'What if Cloud's words are true?' he thought sadly. Vincent's face was downcast as he thought harder. 'Did Lucrecia really love me?' Yuffie caught the abrupt change in his facial features with surprise. 'Surely he doesn't love me?' her mind was invaded with thoughts of Vincent. 'He truly is acting...strange. I must be going crazy' Yuffie decided, casting another glance at Vincent, whose head was still turned down 'Poor Vinnie' she added as she stood and walked over to him, her eyes darting around, and casting a glare at Cid, Barrett and Cloud.

Cautiously, she laid a hand on his back. Vincent glanced at her briefly then gently put both of his arms around her, holding her close, in a bear like hug. "Thanks Yuffie," he whispered, then relinquished his hold on her and turned to walk away.

'That didn't just happen did it?' her mind was in turmoil. 'I wonder what Tifa would say?' so, with that thought in mind she skipped over to where Tifa was staring down at Cid's limp body.

"Nice shot there, Teef" Yuffie commented with a broad grin. "What did he do?" she asked. Tifa grinned once more "Well, he and Cloud and Barrett were talking about…" she stopped as both Cloud and Barrett glared at her.

"Well... let's just say that it's best not mentioned," she said with a nod.

"Aww, come on Teef. You can tell me..." she faltered when she too was on the receiving end of a glare.

"What?" Yuffie asked, with a slight frown, but her frown soon melted away as she spotted Vincent, looking in her direction. "We'll talk later" Tifa whispered and Yuffie nodded, as Tifa looked down at Cid and laughed softly, Yuffie soon joining in.


End file.
